There are times in life when certain aspects feel like nothing more than an assortment of vicious circles, continuous and sometimes unpleasant situations where one problem causes another, which in turn makes the first problem worse and so on, and that’s exactly where I feel I’m at right now when it comes to both my physical and mental health.
Back in December 2023 I attended an hospital appointment to discuss my weight and my inability to lose weight, no matter how hard I try, be-it through diet and/or exercise, and to be honest I expected nothing more than that, a simple routine appointment to lecture me on the bad lifestyle choices I’ve made, it turned out however to be nothing of the sort, and I left hospital that day with a lot to think about and feeling a little more optimistic.
Obviously diet and exercise were discussed but not in the way that some may think. The discussion wasn’t directed at what I should or shouldn’t be eating, nor was it directed at which exercises I should or shouldn’t be doing, it was directed instead at the unavoidable weight I’ve gained as a result of my anti-seizure medication, something I’ve been crying out about for almost two decades, and the unavoidable weight I’ve gained as a result of only being able to carry out very limited exercise due to my epilepsy and osteoarthritis in both knees and hips which causes unbearable pain and restricts both my movement and mobility, a condition which was almost certainly brought on by my weight and is no doubt exacerbated by it.
Vicious circle #1: Take the medication, gain weight, eat healthy but unable to exercise sufficiently, take the medication, gain weight…
Eat, sleep, repeat, nothing changes.
My epilepsy also dictates what exercise I can and can’t do, for example, swimming, cycling, and going to the gym are all out of the question due to the risk of drowning or injury caused as a result of seizures, a brisk walk I’m unable to do without someone else being there and without ending up in chronic pain, again due to the risk of seizures and arthritis, and even a simple cardio workout leaves me in absolute agony for days.
Vicious circle #2: Eat healthily, gain a little weight, unable to exercise, retain the weight, eat healthily, gain a little weight…
Eat, sleep, repeat, nothing changes.
Now I’m guessing that some of you may be thinking ‘excuses, excuses!’, but that really isn’t the case, no one wants this weight gone more than I do, I want that little bit of self-respect back, I want that little bit of confidence back, and I want some quality of life back, but nothing I do works for me regardless of how hard I try, so when the consultant began talking that day about my eligibility for gastric surgery and how much I would benefit from it, I was all ears.
We discussed in detail the pro’s and con’s of the surgeries available to me and which one should work best, we discussed the things I’d need to do both pre and post surgery, and we even discussed and agreed on which operation I’d be having done, and I left the hospital that day with the knowledge that even though there was a twelve month waiting list for surgery, my name was on that list.
Those twelve months however soon passed, and despite emailing the consultants secretary on more than one occasion, I’d heard nothing. Fast forward to June 2025 and a random out of the blue telephone call from a Consultant Anaesthetist at the hospital and a hammer blow I really wasn’t expecting.
The anaesthetist wasn’t (and still isn’t) prepared to put me under a general anaesthetic until such a time my seizures are better brought under control, something my neurologists have been trying to do since 2006, and stated that he wants a full report from my neurologists regarding my epilepsy.
Viscous circle #3: Need surgery to help me lose weight, can’t have the surgery due to uncontrolled seizures, take the prescribed medication in a failed attempt to control seizures, gain weight, need surgery to help me lose weight…
Eat, sleep, repeat, nothing changes.
In the short time that phone call took, I’d mentally gone form an optimistic (though dwindling) high, to a low and dark place, and that’s pretty much where I stayed until I received a second letter last November for a second appointment earlier this month. Where things starting the move forward?, had something changed?, was there reason for me to feel optimistic again?, in a nut shell no to all of the above.
I attended the appointment on the 16th of this month as directed, and it felt as if it was my first appointment all over again, the same discussions where held, the same questions where asked, the same surgeries where discussed, it felt like I was back to square one, like the twenty five months I thought I’d spent on that twelve month waiting list have all been for nothing, still no go ahead from the anaesthetist who wants even more information from my neurologist, still no date for surgery, and now no definite yes or no as to whether or not I’m going to get the surgery I so desperately need.
Viscous circle #4: Told I need weight loss surgery, made to feel optimistic, told I can’t have the surgery, made to feel low, told I need weight loss surgery…
Eat, sleep, repeat, nothing changes?. I really hope not, not this time, hopefully my neurologist can convince the anaesthetist that there’s little to worry about as far as my epilepsy’s concerned and that the much needed surgery can go ahead, because as I asked the consultant at my latest appointment, If I was to walk out and get hit by a lorry causing injuries that required emergency surgery, or should I be diagnosed with a serious illness which required emergency surgery, would there be a reluctance to put me under a general anaesthetic then just in case I was to have a seizure?, his answer, no of course not, so where’s the difference?
Image courtesy of Annushka Ahuja via Pexels.
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